Loading Trailer

One thing that I always do is slip into movies when things in my life are not going the way I want them to. I suppose that a lot of people do that (isn't that the point of most escapist movies - help you forget your life momentarily?). This weekend one old issue came up again and again: my feelings of not belonging to the group. It all bubbled to the surface when I bought the stuff to do the Coke/Menthos 'experiment' with the girls. To make a long story short, when the girls did the experiment, they did it with Laura and kept me out of it. I felt really bad about it and Laura tried to include me later but by then I was too upset to join in. I stayed mad/hurt for a long time.

My reaction was definitely over the top for the situation but it was more about the long term effects of not ever feeling like I was wanted. Its really hard to come to terms with it. Laura says that USM will help me work with this but at this point I don't even know what that means.

So, tonight I was sitting in front of my mac looking up trailers. As I went through trailer after trailer, the futility of it was quite obvious but I didn't want to stop. I wonder if smokers feel this way.

At this point, my only defense is to pull back. I think I do that because I want to be able to walk away before I am told that I am not wanted. But with each backward step I take, I feel that the vibrancy of life dims. I am living life through a glass window. I can see it all but not entirely clearly, hear most of it, but am somehow disconnected from it.

So, a toast to loading trailers...at least for now.