Remembering Hillary - Carpinteria Triathlon 2008

Yesterday, I completed my first olympic distance triathlon at Carpinteria, California. Carpinteria is a small community about 40 miles north of where we live. It boasts some beautiful south-facing beaches and is nestled between the Santa Monica mountains and the Pacific Ocean. Laura and I, like most other participants, were filled with an anxious energy prior to the start of the race. The swim in the 62 degree water would be cold and after that things would get really hard with two tough hills on the bike portion. Despite the rush of facing a new challenge, it really wasn't the reason why we were there. We, along with many others from around the country, came to Carpinteria to honor a friend/wife/sister/daughter who had passed few short months earlier.

Her name was Hillary. Although we had known her for a short time, it was clear to me and Laura that she was an amazing woman. She was, at once, a beautiful, intelligent, and kind woman with the fiery heart of an athlete and competitor. She and her husband, Brent, made a great couple. In honor of Hillary, Brent, and numerous friends and family participated in this year's triathlon. For some, it was the first time ever and for others it was first time doing a longer distance.

The course itself was really challenging for me. The 1 mile ocean swim was made more difficult by choppy surf, heavy fog, and freezing waters. Honestly, by the time I had reached my first turn on the swim (about 200 meters into it), I seriously wondered if I could make it to completion. I felt exhausted but pushed through, partially because I couldn't deal with the public and private humiliation of a DNF, and (more importantly) I was part of something bigger that I couldn't do again. So, I continued to swim through the surf, waddled through the transitions, rode up and down some tough hills on the bike and finally ran a route that, at times, I thought would never end. In the end, even though I came in 272 out of 320 with a time of 3;14 (a time far slower than I would have liked), it felt great. Brent, members of his family, Hillary's family, and their friends were waiting at the end for all those who ran in her name. I had a chance to hug Brent and Hillary's mom. I don't know what I said. I'm sure it was nothing of much substance but I think they felt the love I have for them. It was wonderful to see them and for me it put everything I experienced on the course in perspective. Life is a grand adventure and in the end there is only love. it is the only thing that is real and the only thing that truly matters. I am grateful for a reminder of that simple truth.

Here are some early pictures. We will add to it as we get them...

http://gallery.me.com/laura.biswas#100162/DSC01451&bgcolor=black

peace and love all....

Sugata

Praan

A friend of mine, Jessica, sent me a great video today. It was of Matt Harding dancing around the world. As the video progresses, other people join in the dance. It is such joyful video. I think joyful is the best way to describe it. I especially loved the smiles on the children's faces. It was really great to see.

Here is the video: http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap080722.html

Here is a youtube video with the lyrics (it is in english but its phonetic bengali: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiwpsKfFpoU

Here are the outtakes (its pretty funny in places): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT8jA_pps3o&feature=user

The timing of her sending it to me was especially good since I have been really having a tough time these past few days. Ever since the equinox party on Saturday, I have been really out of it. At the party we were asked to look into ourselves to see what we would want to discard as the new season arrives. Looking at myself is not a particularly fun task. It really threw me and I have been off ever since. I really don't have that many friends I can talk to about this. Very few would even begin to understand.

The challenge is that every time I start to get down, all the issues seem to jump up and entangle me in self doubt, self pity, and (my favorite) hypercritical analysis of everything I am doing.

Still, I can't complain. The video was like a gift and I did have a daddy/daughter date with Alia today and that was really fun. This week was my week for spending quality alone time with each girl. Although I was really tired. each time, it was really good.

Bad Dreams

Last night I had the worst dream. I drempt that I was living in an apartment whose front door was directly adjacent to a busy street. There were three guys who were trying to get into my apartment. I tried to lock them out but each time, the lock wouldn't work. Eventually they broke in and I had to fight them out (which I eventually did). Although it wasn't a hugely traumatic event, it did really rattle me. A few days ago I had a dream that my oldest daughter had died. It really freaked me out in the dream. So much so, that I refused to believe it and kept telling myself to wake up, which I soon did.

I think these dreams are about my feeling a lack of security in my life. I was trying to think through all the potential stressors that could cause this:

- Participating in my first Olympic distance tri (I could literally be the last one to finish)
- Coming to the home stretch of the business year with a long way to go to hit my sales numbers
- Starting a new masters program in Spiritual Psychology at the Univ. of Santa Monica

It feels like I am in a house that is surrounded by something dangerous and I don't know if all the doors and windows are shut and locked. I guess its a feeling of deep vulnerability.

Election 2008

I'll be glad when the elections are over. Its funny how the news is super-saturated with election coverage, yet there is so very little by way of newsworthy information. Political dialogue in this country seems to have been reduced to name calling, posturing, and senseless party one-liners.

Yesterday, I got into a ridiculous email argument with Laura's brother-in-law. It was stupid discussion to begin with regarding Gov. Palin's credentials. You would think it was a no brainer but it wasn't. After a few heated emails back and forth we ended it. My mother-in-law, who started the whole thing, decided to send an apologetic message (for sending out the initial email) to everyone one except me. Hmmmmmmmm.....I wonder if that was intentional. ;-)

Today, I went for a 6 mile run. Its the first thing I have done since the Malibu tri. It felt good to be out and about. I want to keep things loose but don't want to overdo anything before the Carp tri, a week from Sunday.

My run in with Laura's family reminds me how far I still have to go. If they can upset me so much and churn up old feelings so quickly, I'm sure there are things I need to work out. Again, hopefully, USM can help me out.

One other thing, I had a nightmare this morning that something terrible had happened to Anjali. It scared me senseless. I kept saying to myself that I must be dreaming and that I needed to wake up. I did wake up. It really sensitized me to enjoying the moments I have with the girls. Nothing like a little total freak out to help put things in perspective.

BTW, I'm not sure if anyone actually reads any of these. If you do, perhaps you could just comment 'here.' I guess it doesn't really matter but it would be nice to know. Sometimes it feels like I am talking to someone who is behind me but I'm just not entirely sure if anyone is still behind me or not. I could just be blabbering on and on and people are wondering who the hell I'm talking to. Ha!

Malibu Tri 2008

Last Sunday (September 14), Laura and I completed the Malibu Triathlon. It’s a well organized, safe and fun event that raised $950,000 for The Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. Of course, since its conducted in Malibu , CA , there are always lots and lots of stars around. This was Laura’s first triathlon. Overall, she had a great experience not only during the triathlon but also as she prepared for it. She wrote of her experiences on and The second one is more about her momentary experience with grief.

I had a great time as well but my experience this time was a little different. Going into it, I knew that I was much better prepared this year than last year. My improved times showed that. Overall, I cut 7 and a half minutes off my previous time (even with a 2 minute penalty). It’s a good jump but I was still disappointed with it. I think part of my disappointment was because I was hoping for better but I think there was also a part of me that reliving past disappointments, especially from my childhood.

Growing up in a mostly homogenous community in Northern Utah, I was an outsider in many ways and the most obvious was my physical appearance: Indian, smaller/weaker than most of the other guys, bookish, a little overweight with an enormous nose and large ears. i was good enough in sports to play but not to excel. It was a constant source of embarrassment and frustration. I generally tried pretty hard except once when I backed down during a high school soccer game. I behavior in that game, Logan vs. Box Elder in 1985, still bothers me. When I saw my time, it seemed to bring all of that back.

Well, I guess there is always next year. This issue about my past is yet another key that I can take to USM.

BTW, If anyone has any advice as to how to improve my times, I would be happy to hear it.

Magic and Joy

The other day my daughters, Anjali and Alia, showed me an example of how magical life can be. Each was being dropped off for a sleepover at a friend's house. Both girls, when they saw their friend, were so happy to see them that the joy they felt seemed to just bubble up out of them and spill out into the sidewalk. They almost did a little dance, stomping their feet, waving their arms, and laughing. It was so great to see it. It makes me even more convinced that children know how to live and experience the magic of life much better than adults do.

Swimming in Solitude

Yesterday, I finally got a chance to get back into the pool. It had been a couple of weeks since I swam last which is actually kind of a long time for me. Its not that I am some great swimmer or anything but I've been training for a couple of triathlons and had been swimming regularly.

Anyway, the pool at our local Y was almost completely empty. I had just finished a spin class (it was really early in the morning) and felt good just to be in the water again. To get started, I pushed myself off of the wall. Those first few moments, gliding under the water and stroking almost effortlessly, I felt as if I was flying. Its hard to describe but it felt like flying over the bottom of the pool.

I guess it was the Universe's answer for me...where has the fun in life gone. Maybe its still right in front of us but we just have to know where to look.

Sugata

Where did the fun in life go?

Second post in a single day...hmmmmm...its a record.

I think I am a pretty normal suburban dad: I have three kids (ages 5,7 and 9; all girls), a wife who is a stay-at-home mom and starting her own business, and work in a corporate environment, I try to stay in shape by doing triathlons, I have in-laws who don't care for me much (perhaps understandably), I have bills to pay, debt to get through, blah, blah, blah...

I going about and living my life, periodically I get an awareness that I am missing something. Perhaps its some super close friends that I can't live without. Perhaps its passion about something...a cause, an event, or even a sports team. Something. It seems like sometime between the age of four and now, I lost the magic of life. I think I placed it down while I was so busy examining and living up to standards and rules of other people. But when did that happen? Its been so long that I can't really remember.

Remember as a kid when your best friend moved away and you thought your heart was going to break? Or the excitement of when your favorite sports team won? Or the peace and safety you felt in your parents arms as you drifted off to sleep? It seems like the mosaic of life was simple, yet so beautiful.

Now, I feel like I play a series of roles: son, brother, husband, dad, worker, boss, work-friend, casual friend, neighbor, etc. Where am I in all those roles. Where did all the simple, intense feelings of life go? its not that I want to return to my childhood, its just that I want find that magic again. The kind you feel when you look into the night's sky full of stars.

I really don't understand why I am made aware of this every now and then. What can I do about it? Perhaps going to USM will help. Who knows.

Sugata

USM

I think I may have written about my 'keys.' In an image that came to me a few months back, I saw myself standing in front of this table full of keys. Some were very ornate, others were simple, and other difficult to even see. There must have been thousands of them. I understood that each key lead to door which would lead to greater understanding and acceptance of myself. Each key was a mystery about myself that I struggled with.

Well, in a few days I am going to start my first day at the University of Santa Monica's Spiritual Psychology program. If anyone knows me, it will sound totally nuts. I have a fairly busy (some would say insanely busy) life with kids, work, tri training, etc. and to include this to it is really, well.....insane. But that is precisely why I think I should be doing this. I am so tired to being insane as I struggle with all issues inside of me. In some ways I think i need to go 'insane' in order to regain my sense of self and direction.

I am pretty nervous about it. Who knows if I will make any real friends or will they be just classmates. For some reason, I have really hard time making friends.

Gotta go...